European dinner etiquette

Service, Customs, Correct Form

by Beryl Magilavy

What time

Dinner invitations are most often for 8:00 or 9:00 p.m. Dinner is usually served within a half hour of the time the last guest arrives, and very shortly thereafter if arrivals have been late. Guests should arrive ten to fifteen minutes after the invitation time, but better even later than early. Arriving early is a major faux pas (misstep), and even arriving on the dot may rush the hosts. People are expected to telephone if they are delayed for more than a half hour after the stated time.

If the conventions of the hosts and other guests are unknown to you, it is not a bad idea to ask the hostess to give some guidance; some people in Paris arrive very late, and it is awkward to be much earlier than everyone else.

It is considered poor form to leave a dinner party before midnight unless it has very clearly wound down. Most dinners do not run much past 1:00, but if the conversation is going well, they might. Hosts may bring a round of juice a half hour to an hour after coffee, and guests call it a night shortly thereafter.

Invitations

Invitation to a dinner that is not an occasion, such as a wedding supper, is usually done by telephone or by email. The latter leaves a record of the date and time, and can be printed out. If nothing was sent in writing, people often send a reminder by mail or email several days ahead. The traditional form of reminder is a note stating the date, time and place, with the notation pour mémoire.

A hostess may mention the other guests who have been invited, not only to allow people to avoid those with whom they are at odds, but to lure people with others they may want to see or to meet, and as a reminder of people's names.

Shared meal preparation is not customary, so there is no need to ask what one might bring. Gifts are another matter (see below), but one would not ask the hostess about these.

Who is included in an invitation

Every individual or domestic couple invited will receive a personal invitation, and one cannot expect to bring along anyone who has not been mentioned. A "great friend" living at another address will receive his or her own invitation. If the name and contact information of an invitee's partner are unknown to the hostess, she finds out what they are, so that person can be given the respect of being acknowledged personally by the people giving the dinner.

One's place or that of a partner at the table is of course not transferable and must be ceded back to the hostess if one cannot come.

When to reply

Whether or not there is the notation R.S.V.P. (Répondez, s'il vous plaît, or Please reply) on a written invitation, an immediate reply is expected, in the same form as the invitation with respect to formality and medium (in writing, by telephone, by email, and so forth), unless it specifies a particular form of response.

Declining an invitation

No reason is necessary, or even desirable, for declining an invitation. One says one would love to come, but cannot. However, for a cancellation, which should only happen under the most serious circumstances, the reason should be given, with profuse apologies.

What to wear

If the hostess does not mention what people will be wearing, it is a good idea to ask. For a dinner to which invitations are issued in advance, it may be fairly formal, but what that means varies with social group. If no clear information is forthcoming, go with "church clothes."

Bare shoulders are not expected at dinner. Gloves are removed. Ladies' hats have gone the way of the dinosaur, but if a tiny dinner hat is worn, it is left on. Larger hats are not worn to a dinner party.

Gifts

Custom differs, but if one does not know the local customs, a small box of fine (as opposed to mass-produced) candy or a bottle of liqueur is always safe. The idea is that what is brought is a gift to the hosts, and is not expected to be consumed with the evening's meal.

Le Bottin Mondain, France's social register and the best place to find etiquette information in exquisite French-language detail, suggests that in France, customarily gifts are not brought for a dinner, and that bringing a gift for a first visit is forbidden by etiquette. They do say the former is changing, however, and while no gift may be expected in households where entertaining is frequent, many French people will bring, and expect, a gift for a dinner party. The no-gift rules might be followed if the people giving the dinner are from the social-register end of things.

The idea for the no-gift convention is probably that a dinner party is not that big a deal, as opposed to a house-stay, and that one will be reciprocating, anyway. As to bringing nothing on the first visit, this would leave a hostess free to decline people's return invitation when the experiment was not a success without having accepted a gift from them, which would require reciprocation.

After the first visit in France, or for any visit in other countries (and in France, sometimes, depending on the people), gifts of a live plant, candy or alcoholic drinks are the norm. A bottle of wine is fine if the giver does not expect to drink it that evening; the hosts will have chosen something to go with the food, and opened bottles in advance.

If there is a lot of back-and-forth entertaining between friends, people often agree to save gifts for special occasions, and dispense with any expectation that a dinner invitation will require a trip to the shops.

Inappropriate gifts, such as food for a course that has already been prepared, are accepted with thanks and put aside. Hosts accept gifts discreetly so as to not embarrass those who have not brought anything, display any gift flowers prominently, regardless of previous room decorations, and serve any gifts of candy with the coffee and after-dinner drinks.

Gifts of flowers

Since a hostess who is not expecting someone to bring cut flowers will have already arranged her rooms by the time guests arrive, and since a bunch of flowers brought as a gift must be unwrapped, cut, arranged, and placed when there are many other demands on her time, for meals other than within the family, the French feel that these are better sent earlier in the day or the next day as a thank-you.

Bringing flowers to people who live in the country is carrying coals to Newcastle, and a gift of chrysanthemums is reserved for funerals (nothing wrong with buying them for oneself, though).

Garden flowers get more points than store-bought, a hold-over from the time when everyone of the class who would have dinner parties would have access to flowers from the country or from their property in town, and to purchase them was thought to be conspicuous consumption. Probably no one today even knows this history, but garden flowers remain a rare treat.

Reception

Arriving guests shake hands with people they do not know well, and, in Paris at least, do the double-cheek-kiss for people they do. In practice this is more of a cheek-press, entailing no air-kiss sound. There are parts of France, for instance Tours, where they kiss each other four times. Hugging is absolutely not done. Sad to say, one is not going to see the hand-kiss, which is reserved for more formal occasions.

Arriving guests are 1) relieved of their coats and any gifts, 2) introduced using the full name to people they do not know, and 3) offered a drink. A skilled host (hosts handle the drinks) will leave them with a sentence linking their interests with that of someone sitting close by, such as "Jacques has just been in Mauritania, too," to give them something to say to each other.

If people have already arrived when new-comers enter, men rise to greet them; women stay seated unless the newly arrived guest is older or of major importance in the culture. If already-seated women are quite young, "older" is the generation of their parents; otherwise they stand to acknowledge age only if the new arrival is very elderly.

Apéritif food and drink

The usual number of canapés served is three or four per person.

In France, many people frown on hard liquor as an apéritif, which they feel ruins the palate. However, often it is available for those who prefer it before dinner. More conventional drinks that are often served for apéritif are Lillet and other apéritif wines; Noilly Prat and other high-end vermouths; sherry; Pastis; drinks of wine with liqueur added, such as Kir, 1/5 crème de cassis to 4/5 Aligoté (dry white wine from northeastern France); and fruit juice or tomato juice. The general idea is to keep it on the slightly sweet side. There should be at least one non-alcoholic drink, and something other than just sweet drinks should be available.

Having more than one alcoholic apéritif, regardless of the wait, invites unflattering speculation about a lack of moderation, since wine will be served shortly. Thoughtful guests who are late decline an apéritif, so as not to hold up dinner.

Keep to the public parts of the house

Guests in Europe are supposed to stay in the reception room and eventually in the dining room; no following the hosts into the kitchen or the bedrooms to continue a conversation or searching them out there to say something to them. Even if it is known that the coats have been put in a bedroom, one waits for a host to go get them.

Dinner

In France, one's wrists should rest on the table at all times that one is not actively eating. In England, hands rest in the lap. Elbows are not to be on the table at all, although it is often seen when people are talking after finishing the meal.

Conversation

One of the glories of the French dinner is the high level of conversation. People really seem to make an effort to have something interesting to say, to the extent that one might suspect some of going to the big current art exhibition or reading the books in Le Monde's book reviews, in order to have something to talk about at dinner. People at a dinner party do not talk about their job or about money, do not ask personal questions, and have mastered creating the impression of being genuinely interested in the people with whom they are dining.

Of course not all dinner conversation in France is going to reach this level, and this is perhaps the high end, but the first of the many times the author has run into what is described here was at the apartment of a retired aid-worker in Africa, attended by two middle-aged cousins and a couple of neighbors, in the 15th, not the 16th, arrondissement. For those unfamiliar with Paris, this last comment indicates an average, rather than a wealthy, neighborhood.

One is supposed to avoid conversation at a dinner that another guest would find offensive, so the usual bans on politics and religion apply if people might have divergent views. Another forbidden topic is people's eating choices, which are supposed to go unnoticed. This means anything from "I don't eat [whatever]." (Just don't eat it.) through "You don't like the pork?" to "Oh, go ahead. A little piece won't hurt." and includes "You've lost weight! You look great!" suggesting the person's looks were not so good before...

In France, there is a distinct line between social life and work, and it is considered crass to promote one's business at a private dinner. Offering someone a business card is not done. It is poor form to parler boutique (talk shop) or to ask people what they do for a living. The former is boring and may appear to be showing off, and the latter can put in an awkward position someone who does not need to work, who is between jobs, or who works in a low-status job. It also suggests trying to find out how much money someone makes. Asking straight out how much someone makes, how much rent they pay, or how much something cost is out of the question.

If speaking French, whether to address people one has just met using the formal vous or the informal tu is a can of worms, depending not only on the generation of speaker and spoken-to, but on the conventions of the host household. Older visitors are usually safe using vous to everyone other than children, but this is not always right choice for younger adults.

Similarly, whatever language is spoken, older people are safer starting at the Monsieur, Madame level and waiting to be invited to be on a first-name basis. (When introduced to Mr. Jacques Martin, do not call him Jacques or Mr. Martin. Monsieur will do. Same with Madame Hélène Dupont. Calling someone Monsieur Martin is an indication that you consider him inferior to you.) Younger people, on the other hand, would be expected to use first names and the tu form in certain groups, such as among students or people in the arts, but would be considered impertinent doing it with others, such as a room full of people their parents' age. If in doubt, go for the formal style.

Traditionally the French do not toast or say grace at the beginning of a meal. The hostess just starts in and everyone follows. However, many people have picked up the foreign custom of making some sort of celebratory opening comment, particularly when entertaining non-French people. Saying bon appetit or not depends on the social class of the household. It is safer for foreigners to say nothing and leave these rituals, if any, to their French hosts.

Making inarticulate sounds of appreciation of the food (for instance, Mmmm!) is not done. People are restrained in complimenting the meal itself; a single, "This is delicious!" is usually it, if that. One reason for not making a song and dance of it is that there are many options for producing a first-class home meal in France: buying the excellent prepared food that is available here, having one of the many top-notch caterers provide it, or having domestic staff prepare it. The hostess may not have cooked a thing, so compliments would be more to her budget than her cooking skills. If in fact the meal was home-cooked, guests' obvious enjoyment in eating it is thought to be sufficient.

Seating

Guests are usually seated with gender alternating, to the point the guest list allows it. Domestic partners are placed as far away as possible from each other, to facilitate their being able to talk to new people, and to reduce the "No, that was Thursday" annoyance spouses often commit during each other's anecdotes.

The woman guest of highest social status, such as an elderly woman, one for whom the dinner is being given, or one who has some position in government, is seated to the host's right; the man in a similar position to the hostess' right.

The hostess will point out where people should sit unless there are more than seven or eight places, in which case there will probably be place cards. She then sits down, followed by the women, followed by the men.

Order of service

The order of service in France is generally soup or first course (which may be oysters or other seafood), main course (which may be meat or fish) with vegetables, salad, cheese course, and dessert. Restaurants may serve an amuse-bouche first of all (a palate-teaser in a tiny terrine, usually some sort of mousse or foam; and usually compliments of the house). If fruit is served as a separate course, authorities differ as to when to serve it, some saying it comes after the cheese and dessert courses, some before the cheese. Coffee is a separate course, served in small cups. At home it is served in the living room; in a restaurant where it must be served at the table, the demitasse cup and saucer are often placed on top of a dessert plate, just for looks.

Enough water is kept at the table, in carafes or pitchers, for everyone to serve themselves. Men at the table might pour this, but it is not a conventional necessity, as it is in the case of alcoholic drinks. It is served throughout the meal. Each place at the table is always set with at least two stemmed glasses: one for water, one for wine, unless someone is known in advance to prefer water only.

At a private dinner, a hand-written menu allows the guests to see what will be on offer, and to pace themselves through the meal. This is rarely seen, however. Drinks and hors d'oeuvres (appetizers) are not listed on a menu.

Hostesses like to be alerted in advance of dietary restrictions that might entail a guest's having to skip large parts of a normal French meal, like people who cannot eat wheat or meat, so this can be accommodated discreetly. If restrictions put an invitee well outside the bounds of what is normally eaten in France, he or she might consider declining the invitation. It is considered more polite to say one cannot eat whatever it is than that one chooses not to, which suggests the speaker has higher moral or health standards than the hosts, and to broach this subject apologetically for the trouble one might be putting them to.

Most people serve one or more apéritifs and one wine with dinner, chosen to go with the main course. To add more, one might choose from the traditional framework: sweeter drinks before dinner, nothing but water with soup, white wine with white-fleshed fish or many vegetable entrées, red wine with red-fleshed meat or a mushroom/hearty vegetable main course, nothing but water with salad, wine or cider chosen to go with the cheese of the cheese course, sweet wine with dessert, digestifs and brandy after coffee. Champagne is served as an apéritif or, if sweet, with dessert. Water is served throughout. It would be a very rare meal that would have all of this, or anything like it.

One of the very interesting things about French cuisine is the study of matching food and wine, called the accord. There are books written on this subject, and the rough outline above has an infinite number of exceptions. Far from being a precious refinement, skillful pairing of wine and food can create remarkable taste resonances.

Serving

If servings are brought around by someone, a waiter or the hostess, service should begin with the woman on the host's (or hostess', if there is no host) right and continue counter-clockwise, women first, including the hostess, then men. If servings are put on plates from a stack by the hostess in the presence of the guests, women will be passed plates first, starting with the woman on the right and continuing counter-clockwise, then men. If serving plates are passed from guest to guest (rarely done), they should go counter-clockwise, to allow people to be served from the left (easier for right-handed people). One waits until the hostess has started eating, unless she asks that people go ahead.

Second helpings are offered, except for soup and cheese. The word more is banned from hosts' lips, to avoid suggesting gourmandisme, or eating too much. Offers of subsequent servings are worded similarly to those for first servings. Le Bottin Mondain suggests taking only so much on the first serving that one will still be able to accept a second helping.

Hosts do the serving, that is to say, guests do not help themselves unless specifically prompted to do so, even if the food or drink is sitting right there. This extends, outside the dinner setting, to not reaching for the teapot to pour oneself more tea. One sits there with an empty cup hoping it will be noticed, or, eventually, asks.

To decline a first or subsequent serving, people just say No, thank you. There is no need for an explanation, and there is no equivalent for the expression I am full. Holding the hand over a glass one does not want refilled is not done.

Utensils used at dinner

In some homes and restaurants in France, the table is set with fork tines and spoon-bowls pointing down. Old French silverware has the decoration on both sides, and monograms will be on the side that shows when the tines are down. To make a uniform dark background for all the pictures on this page, there is no tablecloth on the table, but there would be one in real life.

At a less-formal dinner, there may be a bar-bell-looking or long-animal-shaped item above the knives, which is the porte-couteau (knife-rest) or porte-couverts (utensils-rest). The porte-couverts is to keep cutlery off the tablecloth while the plates are changed, if the same utensils are used for more than one course--usually the first course and the main course, but the hostess can be expected to let people know. The silverware will be collected when no longer needed. Some restuarants, such as the Grand Véfour in Paris, set the table with a knife-rest even though all the utensils are changed with every course. Apparently this is to have a place to rest the knife during the course. Knife-rests rarely appear these days.

Silverware is often changed with every course, and certainly is for fish, cheese, and dessert courses, for which a carry-over of flavors would be unpleasant. To the right of the soup spoon, there may be an oyster fork and/or a fork and clamp for snails. Fish cutlery looks different from regular cutlery, being noticeably wider. In France, dessert cutlery is usually a spoon or a fork and a spoon; a knife is provided if it will be needed. As is the case everywhere in the Western World, when in doubt about which utensil to use, work from the outside in, or just keep an eye on the hostess, who should start eating before anyone else does, anyway.

In France, cheese and dessert cutlery is usually not set on the table at the beginning of the meal, but brought in with these courses. If an empty plate is served with silverware on it, which is often the way this is accomplished, people take the silverware off and arrange it on each side of the plate. In England, the cutlery for these courses will usually be set on the table at the beginning of the meal, with the dessert implements above the plate.

European style is not to change the hand holding the fork when food has been cut with a knife, and to use the fork with the tines down, but sophisticated people know there are different national styles of using eating utensils, and will expect that foreigners will use their own.

Neither salad nor eggs is cut with a knife; only with a fork. In Italy, pasta is not rolled in a spoon; just with the fork on the plate. Bread is not cut at all, nor does one bite into the whole piece; one small piece at a time is torn off and eaten. There is a correct technique for cutting into whole cheeses or large pieces of cheese, outlined on the cheese-course page. One does not swab up sauce with bread, unfortunately. The only way to accomplish this is to put a small piece of bread on the plate, surreptitiously get some sauce on it, and eat it with a fork. If utensils are presented with a course, such as fruit, it is expected that people will use them. Asparagus that is not covered with sauce is the great exception, and can be eaten with the fingers. It is not considered good form to tip a plate to get the last of its contents.

When someone has finished eating a course, the utensils are placed diagonally across the plate in the orientation of the cross-bar on No Smoking/Do Not Enter signs, tines down, knife-blade toward the center of the plate. This will let a hostess know not to offer more. In a restaurant, it will alert the waiter to remove the plate.

The napkin

The napkin, which is set to the left of the forks at dinner (from the tradition of serving soup before everyone is seated; for lunch it is put on the plate) is left folded loosely to the left of the plate after the meal; if there is a need to get up during the meal, it is left on the chair. The napkin will always be a cloth one. The napkin rings so dear to vendors of decorative table supplies are not used at a dinner for company. Their traditional use is marking which napkin is being used by whom within the family when it is going to be kept aside for use at more than one meal; the modern wholly decorative rings are not generally seen in France.

Napkins that have been used with the appetizers in the living room are just left there, and even if cloth, are not brought to the table to spare dirtying another one. Generally speaking, if a hostess has put out ironed linens for guest use, she has some way of returning them to a washed and ironed state that she does not consider to be a burden. There is no reason to be squeamish about messing them up, though thoughtful women refrain from wearing so much lipstick that a napkin will be hard to clean.

To keep the glasses looking attractive, the napkin is used before as well as after drinking.

Condiments and extras

Bread is usually available throughout until the dessert course, although butter is not served at dinner.

Salt is often served in small dishes with a spoon. Shakers do not work so well with fleur de sel, the larger crystals of salt that result from skimming of tidal flats. Pepper is not usually offered on the table at a formal dinner.

Wine

The flavor and aroma of most wine is improved by opening it in advance to let oxygen from the air mix with it; an hour is average unless it is poured into a carafe, in which case a half hour is sufficient.

Wine is not served with the soup course (for opening up the palate, flavors that might be quite different from the main course for which the wine was chosen) or the salad course (vinegar in the salad dressing will ruin the taste of any wine). A sweet wine is served with dessert. Artichokes or egg dishes give wine an odd taste, so if either is served as an entrée, no wine will be poured.

In France at least, women do not pour their own wine in company. The host does this. Without a host, if the hostess has not asked someone to act in this role, the men at the table are supposed to keep their eyes open to ensure that surrounding glasses are not left empty. If they fail, one can always drink at home. A woman serving herself from a bottle in somone else's house will appear to have such a fondness for drink that she is willing to breach decorum to get at it. If there is a host pouring, men would also wait to be served.

The wine and water glasses are held by the stem, to keep the heat of the hand away from the liquid and fingerprints off the bowl of the glass.

People usually leave some wine in their glass to indicate they do not want more, then drink it at the end of the meal. In fact, it is considered poor form not to empty one's glass at the end of the meal, something to think about when accepting a refill.

Clearing

Generally speaking, the hosts handle all of the food-service details; guests stay out of the kitchen. It is not necessary to ask if the hostess needs help; such offers invariably will be declined, and make those who have not offered feel like maybe they should have. The idea is that the job of the guests is to be decorative and interesting; the job of the hosts is to provide the evening, and the roles will be reversed the next time around.

At the end of the meal, the hostess suggests everyone retire to the salon and stands up, asking if anyone would like coffee or tea. This allows people to change position and conversation partners. After-dinner liqueurs and brandy, if any, are also served in the living room. Candy that may have been brought by guests is offered as well.

Coffee is served in demi-tasse (half-cup) cups, and French people who drink coffee after dinner almost always drink it black. The addition of milk is reserved for breakfast. Caffeine or decaf is a matter of personal choice, as is sugar. Tea is usually offered; it is served in teacups.

Thanks and reciprocation

People bid farewell to everyone at a dinner party, with the same gestures as greeting.

A hand-written note of thanks to the hostess is still de rigeur for a dinner party, though often omitted. In France, plain notes are used, without decoration or Thank you printed on them. A message does not properly commence with the word I, it being thought more gracious to start out with something about the recipient than with a reference to the writer. While the note does not have to be written with a fountain-pen, and the paper does not have to be good-quality, people will notice these things. They will also notice the handwriting.

Entertaining at dinner is done in the context of an exchange of hospitality. There is an expectation that guests will offer a reciprocal entertainment at home or in a restaurant within the upcoming few weeks, or that people from out of town will offer to entertain the hosts in their home city.

Gaffes

Is all of this just out of a book? No, they really do it. Most of this comes from direct observation at dinner parties in Paris, and a reviewer from one of the smaller cities in England, who described herself as from a lower-middle-class family, was surprised that anyone would not already have all of this down. Gracious hosts and fellow guests will of course not show any awareness of gaffes, but it is undeniable that they make an impression, so it is worth the effort to get it right.